Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.