Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table