Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
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PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is