Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

that would 100% work on me

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I can’t 🤣🤣🤣

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

so much to do