Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days