Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
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I hope Alan is OK
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
