Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
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OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
eating my hot dog hamburger style