Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

Good point.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut