Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
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It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
is nasa ok
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
I’m not stressed
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