Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

God tier horse name today on the sims

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

There’s no “u” in narcissist

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.