Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.