[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*