Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

so i’m at the stock market right