Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say