Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

How do horror writers compete with current events?

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire