Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Eggs benadryl my favourite

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?