Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You Might Also Like
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.