Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
You Might Also Like
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.