ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.