Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

next question.

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth