Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the car with the wife]

*I take both hands off the wheel*

Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

having children is a pyramid scheme.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]

Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”

Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

😭😭😭

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”