“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
You Might Also Like
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.