[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Name this drama.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My brain is a bad influence on me