Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
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Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.