Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

This cat wants you to take your pills