Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃