Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…