Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

ㅤ

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”