Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.