Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.