*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
You Might Also Like
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
so much to do
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Just me and my debit card against the world
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.