Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..

Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Morning my dudes.

#Caturday

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

who wants to go expliring