@fillthevacuum

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

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@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

@rolldiggity

[Opens “Where’s Waldo?” book to page with Eiffel Tower.]
“Paris. Easy. Next!”

@MenHumor

Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

@vangobot

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

@GingerHotDish

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.