*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.