Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!