Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

🏙👨🏼

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I support this random dude and all his protests

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store