Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
How times have changed.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories