Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
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Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Cinematography is my passion
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*