Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.

Conclusion: you are a statue

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?

My Boss: This is inappropriate

Me: Your skin is so…

My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.

my one true gender

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts