Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!