Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.