Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true