Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout