*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You Might Also Like
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.