Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

🤣😂🤣😂

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Is this you?

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.