*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..