Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

dude it’s called proctologist

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card