[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.