[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.