Arrest that man!
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure