Arrest that man!
You Might Also Like
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?