Arrest that man!
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.