Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
dictator is short for richard potato
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.