Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

You better watch out

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

Still my favorite headline of all time:

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.