Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.