Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

#oldknees

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

my first day as a raccoon

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great