Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i spent way too long on this

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”