Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Breaking news:

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots