Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sponch

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…