Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.