Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

There are 2 types of buyers in me:

1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago

2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??