ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge


ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports


Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.



I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.


Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.


You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.


Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.


Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?


Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.