ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge


ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.


Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”


Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”


Every morning I wake up super pissed at my parents because I have to go to work instead of living off a trust fund.


Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…


Life of a Uni student
1. You wake up?You ask yourself why you woke up
2. You go to lecture you start writing then the lecturer changes the slide then you stop writing and you start online shopping or playing games
3. You go home and wonder why you even went it.


This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.


WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.