[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email