I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
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Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.
Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
*First day as an exorcist*
ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…
Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!
[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]
[three days after inventing phone]
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Not all heroes wear capes
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Me: it should be called a threek
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.