ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge


ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

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I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”


Boredom is the leading cause of pregnancy.

Unless you’re on Twitter 24/7. Then it becomes the leading form of birth control.


Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way


*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…


Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]


[three days after inventing phone]


Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs



“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek


Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.