@TheHyyyype

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

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@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

@wickedimproper

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

@Iloveearwormz

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

@UnFitz

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

@jnapsalot

You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@Isyscupids

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

@scott2ten

Co-worker: Face up or face down?
Me: Um. What?
Cw: The fax machine? Documents face up or down?
Me: I’m not mature enough to answer that.