[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.