Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates