Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit