My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.