My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Boating season is upon us.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”