@ThaJawn

*arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?

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@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@Buttija

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

@AmnesiaRose

My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”

@droidbears

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

@AsgardianRose

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@Fred_Delicious

“guns don’t kill people, guns CREATE people!”
*fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@StinkyGr33n

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.