[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
thinking about a very short hotdog
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Happy weekend !
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes