Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

I hydrated. Surrender now.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears