[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
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I’ve been drinking.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
felt that
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”