Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

My dog after a walk in the woods.

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.