*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.