*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.