Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

yea so i messed up lol

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!