Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.

Overall productivity level remains steady.

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now