Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

you have three unread messages

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

imagine getting destroyed like this

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?