Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.